Smile- You're Drowning
by Jacqueline Fletcher
Bright Surface, Sinking Soul
I painted this through tears- real ones, running down my cheeks as I forced myself to keep going. I was angry. Exhausted. Drowning. This piece came from the crushing realisation that no matter how hard I fight, things will never be okay. We might survive, we might adapt... but we will never be normal. We will never truly belong.
My boys are now in special needs schools. For six hours a day, five days a week, they’re included. But outside of that? We can’t do what “normal” families do. Holidays are impossible. Our neighbours want us evicted because my boys are too loud when overwhelmed. Even the sound of them playing upsets people. Wherever we go, I have to explain. I have to apologise. We are always too much.
And I am so tired.
So I picked up my brush and tried to paint my way out. I poured on dopamine pinks, glittering gold, and flowers. Anything that might trick my brain into feeling something brighter. But the flowers wilted. And so did I.
This isn’t about hope. It’s about survival. It’s a mask. Just like the one I wear every day.
Learn More: The Fight Behind the Brushstrokes
You can survive and still be drowning.
This painting was created during one of the darkest periods of emotional burnout I’ve experienced. And yet from the outside, it looked like we’d made it. The system had “worked.” But behind closed doors, I was falling apart. I felt invisible. Abandoned. Crushed by the realisation that no matter how hard I fought, we would never be part of the world in the way others are. We’d never just belong.
This is what carer burnout really looks like. It’s not just exhaustion — it’s grief, rage, and relentless performance. It’s what happens when disabled children are "othered" not just by schools, but by entire communities. When every ounce of energy goes into keeping things calm, functional, survivable... and no one even sees the cost.
This painting is beautiful. But like me, it’s pretending.
Smile – You’re Drowning is what happens when life still doesn’t fit — even after the system, and everyone around you, insists you have been helped.
The UK’s Crisis in Special Needs Education
The SEND system is in crisis. Thousands of children are left without the right school, denied EHCPs, or stuck on endless waiting lists. Councils are overwhelmed, delays are unlawful, and families are forced into exhausting legal battles just to access basic support. This isn’t rare. It’s happening everywhere. And it’s getting worse.
The Emotional and Financial Toll of Carer Burnout
Caring for a disabled or neurodivergent child is a full-time job — with no pay, no breaks, and little support. Carers, especially mothers, often lose careers, health, and community just to keep their children safe. The toll is relentless: exhaustion, grief, and financial hardship. Burnout isn’t a buzzword. It’s real, and we feel it.
Why So Many Families Are Pushed to the Edge Just to Be Heard
Families of disabled children are forced to fight for every basic right. To get support, we must chase paperwork, relive trauma, and prove our child’s needs again and again... often while being ignored or dismissed. Many are pushed to breaking point just trying to be believed. The system isn't broken by accident. It's built this way.